Top Wankers And Twits club

Gaah I am soooooooooooooooooo tired!!... Such is life though. I shall get over it.

How are we all? Don't bother answering that one because by the time you have got roud to doing so, I will have completely lost interest and won't care at all!... No I'm just kidding. I love you all! Perhaps not all in the same way but... Well that's to be expected. Lovely concert on Sunday, Kelda. Most enjoyable. The rest of you should have gone!

To ammend my previous post: Nick is a dickhead forever. And a bastard. And a fucking arsehole... In fact I believe he has recently been promoted to chairman of the Top Wankers And Twits club (known affectionately to its members as TWAT)! I do congratulate him on this achievement as he beat several contenders to this position, including George W[anker] Bush!

This following piece of... Art, is a Rowan Atkinson monologue. I hope it makes you all laugh untill you get stomach pains!


"The Good Loser"

(Rowan Atkinson plays "David Forbert"; Angus Deaton is "the Host")

Host of Olivier Theatre Awards: Welcome back to the Olivier Awards, and we come now to the Award for Best Actor of the Year. And the nominations this year are: Al Pacino for "Death of a Salesman", Kenneth Branagh for "Richard III", and then two actors both from the same remarkable new play "Stench" by Harold Barksworthy, and the nominees are John Daniels in the role of "Mr. Trotter", and David Forbert in the role of "Mr. Gannett". Now, these are four fine actors and I'm sure they'd all agree that the point is not to win, but to play the game. And the winner is... John Daniels!
David Forbert (yelling from audience): Oh SHIT!

Host: Unfortunately, John is unable to be with us tonight, so I'd like to ask his co-star, David Forbert, to accept the award on his behalf. David?
(David walks up, snatches the award, and quickly walks back to his seat)

Host: David? David? Um? Perhaps you'd like to say a few words, David?
(David reluctantly returns to the podium)

David Forbert: Thank you, Vanessa. Ladies and gentlemen, what a delight it is to accept this award on behalf of my close, personal... acquaintance, John Daniels. John cannot unfortunately accept it himself, because he is in Hollywood starring in his first major film role... with Meryl Streep. I am however not in Hollywood, not having been offered even a minor role in an 8-millimeter pornographic movie. But what a delightful object it is that John has won, although you know I am sure I will very soon receive one myself when I next buy ten gallons of petrol at a Texaco filling station. So what is it that Johnny has got that makes him stand apart from other actors of his generation? Well, I think we all know the answer to that one: syphilis. And what a great and heartwarming thing it is that he has already started passing it on to a whole new generation of younger actors. Of course to win an acting award is always a great honor but to receive one here in the heart of London's famous West End on an occasion such as this... hugely diminishes that honor. What could be more dull than these sordid, back-slapping sessions where has-beens in tuxedos hand over to even older has-beens in tuxedos awards for plays that close the week before they opened because the audiences were clamoring instead for tickets to Andrew Lloyd Webber's latest re-arrangement of "Puccini's Greatest Hits"? I therefore cannot say what a delight it is that John has won this award instead of me. And I should like to announce my retirement from the acting profession, in order to begin a lifetime of work amongst the mentally handicapped, in which capacity I look forward to meeting all the members of the judging panel very soon... thank you.


Thats all for now folks!

Toodles!